From Ashes to Beauty

I am so excited to announce that my husband and I are WRITING A BOOK! We are working diligently to have the book published by the end of this year. We wanted to thank you all so much for your patience as we’ve taken time away from blogging to focus on our book.

We also wanted to share with you this video that our friend at Whitley Media put together for us. It highlights a few of the amazing things that God has done in my life. I hope you enjoy watching! Check out more amazing videos and testimonies about the love of Jesus on Taylor’s podcast, https://www.youtube.com/@ChasingJesus

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

Lamentations 3:22-23

As I sit down to write today, I can’t seem to find the words to begin. I’m thinking about how very blessed I am and how good my God has been to me. I’m looking at my kids running around the house with their dad playing tag, laughing and giggling. I have ingredients out on the counter to make chocolate chip cookies with my girls, I was able to enjoy fellowship at church this morning with my half awake husband (he works nights but pushes through with no nap because he loves the Lord and knows how important church is to me and our babies), and I’m going to enjoy a cup of coffee tonight on the couch with my husband before bed. Today I’m counting my blessings, because life wasn’t always this way for me. But before I dive back into my story, I feel like someone needs to hear this: God loves you right where you are! He sees you and hasn’t forgotten you. He knows the struggles you’re facing and wants you to know that His mercy is new for you today! He loves you as His child, and my friend that is powerful. I promise you that the season that you are in now won’t last forever. If you’re going through a trying time, don’t go through it alone. While I may not be able to relate to all that you are going through, I’m an ear to listen and have a heart to help. 

I remember landing in Dallas, Texas. I stepped off the plane wearing red leggings, a dress that had red long sleeves, and a pink and white sweater on top. Texas was so much hotter than Russia and I wasn’t liking it. I began sweating almost instantly. I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. It was late in the evening when we arrived at Crystal and Jessie’s house. I gasped as we pulled up to a beautiful white house with tons of land and a fenced in backyard. All that ran through my mind was, “man, these people are rich.” To communicate, Crystal and Jessie had given me a Russian – English dictionary. When I needed something or had something to share, I would point to a word in Russian and they would read the English translation and try their best to give me what I needed. When they needed to communicate, they would point to the English word and I would translate to Russian. Before we got out of the car, Crystal tried using the dictionary to explain to me that great grandma and grandpa lived with us. 

Walking into the house, I looked to the right and saw grandma and great grandma in the kitchen. Grandma quickly rushed over to give Josh and I a hug while great grandma sat in her wheelchair. They gave me the biggest stuffed animal. I was so overwhelmed with how big the house was. I had never seen anything like it before. After meeting my grandma and great grandma, Crystal and Jessie walked us up the stairs. We saw Josh’s room first; it was massive. One half was our playroom and the other half was Josh’s actual bedroom. It was already filled with lots of toys for us to play with. My attention went straight to a Barbie tent house. I couldn’t wait to play in it. It was late in the evening, so they put Josh to bed pretty quickly and then walked me to my room. Crystal and Jessie showed me around my room and asked if I liked it. Crystal told me to pick out my pajamas from the closet. For something that would seem so simple to many, this was an overwhelming task for me. I had never seen so many clothes in my life. After a few minutes, I settled on a pink dress with Cinderella on the front and a pretty skirt at the bottom. I was so excited! As I hopped into bed that night, I stepped on the bottom of the skirt because it was so long. I absolutely loved it. This is one of those items that I clung to for years! My twin bed was high, but I managed to crawl up that night and snuggle in. I was scared, nervous, and anxious! It was my first night alone without other girls to comfort me.  I couldn’t fall asleep right away, so I just lay awake in my bed, looking around my new room. After a while, I heard arguing coming from down the hall, so I walked to check it out. I remember that Crystal slapped Jessie, so I ran back to my room, locking the door behind me. I was so afraid that they were going to be abusive. Crystal and Jessie came down the hall and tried to open the door, but I was afraid to unlock it. All I could hear were loud mumbles coming from the other side of the door; at this point, I still spoke no English. Crystal kept shouting  a bunch of English words and shaking the doorknob, so I finally let them in and ran back to my bed, curled up like a ball. I assume she was asking me why I locked the door, but I was scared and didn’t have my dictionary to translate. They did try to calm me down before eventually leaving the room. Nothing was mentioned about this the next day.

The next morning, Crystal made me eggs and Russian tea. I know her intentions were pure, but it was not at all the type of tea I drank in Russia. Jessie and Crystal talked with Jessie’s mom and grandma at the table. I finished my breakfast and then went upstairs to play. Other than the first night, things weren’t off to a terrible start; actually, things were kind of fun in the beginning. I remember my first Christmas was amazing! Josh and I were blessed with so many gifts. As the weather warmed and spring came, Crystal taught me how to garden. She loved roses and she enjoyed teaching me how to take care of them. I enjoyed this as well. We also had so many goats to take care of. It was like a mini farm. A few weeks into living with my new family, Crystal took me to a Russian translator. Crystal wanted to know how I was adjusting to my new home and wanted me to know that I would be starting school soon. Shortly after this, Crystal began homeschooling me. She started with the basics, like the abc’s. I struggled; Crystal became frustrated with me. I was so far behind in my schooling, and this was an area that I felt defeated. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. To add on to this, Joshua was little, so he took up most of her attention. 

Overall, I was settling into my new life. I thought of my brother back in Russia often and of my birth parents that I had to leave behind. I missed them, but I was trying my best to adjust!

Thank you so much for your continued support as Phil and I walk this journey of blogging. Our prayer is that God uses it to touch you. Our next post will dive deeper into my life with Crystal and Jessie and my eventual return to Russia. The next post will be Sunday, February 26.

Some pictures from today’s adventures making chocolate chip cookies 🙂

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”

Matthew 6: 25-26

I was learning to be content with my new life. I was enjoying my daily routines and having friends to play with. The day had finally come for me to start school and move downstairs to my new room. I was so excited! I would have a new bedroom that I would share with fourteen other girls. I knew it would be cramped, but I was excited to have so many girls to talk to and be friends with. 

 Living in the orphanage, we didn’t have many personal belongings. This made our move really easy. The orphanage staff took us downstairs and showed us to our room. Once we were settled in, they walked us across the street to school. School took place for everyone on the second floor. It must have been so difficult for our teacher! She was the only teacher on staff and she was responsible for teaching every grade level. I remember being so excited to have the opportunity to learn. School wasn’t a priority when I lived with my parents, so this was like a fresh start. 

My day started at six in the morning. The orphanage staff had us go outside, stretch, and then run around the building four times. Once we finished, we headed inside to eat breakfast, get dressed, brush our teeth, and then walk to class. We met our teacher at the front door of the classroom. She was nice. She showed us our assigned seats and began class by telling us the rules. She required us to sit up straight, have both hands crossed in our laps, and raise our right hand if we had a question. She showed us the proper way to hold our pencil. I remember writing numbers and letters in class. Like most kids, my favorite part of the school day was recess. While it was inside the building in the hallway, it was a nice break. We were able to jump rope. Also during the school day, we had ballet class. We learned classical ballet. I felt so fancy when I was learning the classical ballet moves. After the ballet class was PE. We had a huge gymnasium downstairs where we learned gymnastics, proper stretching, running, and soccer. I also remember climbing a rope all the way from the floor to the very top of the ceiling. It was so scary reaching the top and looking back down; but there was also a feeling of accomplishment. We had lunch at some point during the day, which was usually borscht. From time to time, I would walk to my brother’s classroom to check on him. I didn’t see him much, but he seemed to be doing well when I did see him. When the school day ended, we were allowed to play outside. Most of the girls would sit around and talk, but I liked to be on the go. I would always play soccer with the boys. After a while I got pretty good and the boys wanted me on their team. 

I remember there being many times that I would go off by myself and climb a tree. I would think about my life and how I got to be here in the orphanage. I would think about my mom and how much I still missed her. I had such a strong hatred for my dad and what he had done to me, my mom, and my brother. It was hard to deal with these feelings on my own. I longed for someone to talk to about them, but there was no one that I was close enough with to share how I was feeling. 

One day we were given extra time to play in the building. I found this old red Bible. It was a basic Bible that was easy to read. I read this Bible over and over again. My favorite part was the story of Jesus and His life. I wondered who he was and if he was real. I was so curious to learn more that one day I asked one of the staff why we didn’t go to church. She told me that she would look into it and see if we could go. I didn’t expect her to actually come through for me, but one day she surprised me by saying that we had been approved to go to church. Our whole class was allowed to go. That next Sunday, we went to my first Orthodox Christian Church. This was my first time ever setting foot in a church. I was excited and nervous all at the same time. We stood and listened to the sermon. I was so confused, but I loved being there and tried to learn as much as I could. Church ended with everyone being sprinkled with Holy Water. We went back from time to time, but most of the kids found church boring, so we eventually stopped going. 

Over the course of my first grade year, I became really close with one of the staff workers. Even though I initially thought she was one of the meanest ladies there, making me give her back massages during nap time or after cleaning, we eventually grew on each other and she looked out for me. One day she asked me if I wanted to stay with her at her mom’s house across the street. I wanted to say no, but a part of me really wanted to leave the orphanage for a little while. Her mother worked for a bread making company and was really sweet. I spent a lot of time with them. Everywhere we went in town, we took a bus. I remember going to the lake and to concerts. I went out to the country with her parents to help on their farm. This reminded me of being back home with my grandparents. I loved this time. I was content. 

My first grade year passed quickly and everything was going well. I had seen many of my friends become adopted and leave the orphanage. I knew this may happen to me, but it wasn’t something that I thought of often. One day the orphanage staff came up to me and told me that a family was going to visit me the next day. They told me that the family was from America and they were interested in adopting me. I wasn’t sure what to think! Every night before I went to bed, I had been praying that God would bless me with a family. Now that there was a chance that it might happen, I wasn’t so sure that I wanted it. I was content with my life at the orphanage. I also had a flashback to a dream I had a few months before where I was adopted by an American family and everything went horribly wrong. I was honestly scared to meet this couple. 

The night passed with restless sleep. The next morning,  my brother and I got all dressed up. I wore a black skirt, black shoes, and a white top. I can’t remember what my brother wore, but I know that he was dressed up too. I remember being so nervous. My best friend Luba and her brother came along with us. They were meeting a different family on the same morning. The staff walked us over to the main building where the staff offices were. My brother and I were the first to walk into the room. I saw two families sitting at the table, one on either side. The staff hadn’t told me which family I was interviewing with, so I just sat down. After a moment of confusion, the staff moved our seats around and told us which family was interested in us. I was so nervous and shy. We tried to chat for a little while, but the language barrier made it difficult. We got up and the staff took the families on a tour around the orphanage. I told my brother that we had an American mama. I remember him smiling so big. The family stayed for a few days with us, spending time getting to know us. One day, Crystal asked about the other side of the orphanage where the younger kids stayed. They told Crystal and Jessie that they could see that side of the orphanage as well. The staff told me that I would walk along with them but I remember that my brother didn’t go.  When we walked into the building, Crystal saw the younger kids playing. She played with a little boy. I could tell that she made an instant connection with him. I felt uneasy because every day that they came to visit, they would pick me up and then walk me over to the younger kid’s building to play.  I was really confused because I thought that they would be adopting both me and my brother. About a week went by and the staff brought me over to Crystal and Jessie. I saw the luggage sitting with them. I thought that it was mine and my brother’s but when I looked, my brother’s belongings were nowhere to be found. I saw all of these new clothes that were just for me and a smaller child. While I was excited about the clothes, I was so upset because I knew that my brother wasn’t going with me. The staff told me that my brother would not be adopted because he was too expensive and that I needed to go and give him my final goodbyes. I remember giving him a hug and not letting go. I sobbed! I didn’t want to leave him. The staff pulled us apart and told me that it was time to go. The car was loaded and we left. Just like that, my whole world changed. I was now going home with my American mom and dad, and a new brother who would eventually be named Joshua. I remember that we stayed in a hotel for the night. I was crying and Joshua was screaming, but I don’t remember much else. The next day we rode a train to Moscow. We made a quick stop at the doctor for what I believe was a physical to make sure that Joshua and I were in good health. We stayed in a hotel that night, and the next day, boarded a plane for America. While the details are fuzzy because I was so little, I remember that I was so mad that my brother wasn’t going with me. Yet again, I felt my life crumbling around me and I had no say in it. I had already lost so much, and now my brother was taken away from me too. But to make matters even worse, there was a language barrier, so I couldn’t even tell Crystal and Jessie how I was feeling. I felt all alone.

At the time, none of this made sense to me. I really thought that I would grow up in the orphanage, going to school and playing with my friends. I had everything that I wanted; I was perfectly content! But God had other plans for me, plans that would come with many ups and downs. In the next segment, I’ll talk about life with Crystal and Jessie and how I ended up moving back to Russia.

“My people will abide in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places.” 

Isaiah 32:18

Over the years, this has become one of my favorite Bible verses. Growing up, I had no concept of a secure home to dwell in, or a quiet resting place to sleep in. Life was rough. As the bus pulled up to the orphanage, I saw buildings all around. The bus came to a stop and we were greeted by the orphanage staff. They seemed nice enough. My brother and I were led to a large building in the center of the campus. As we walked, the orphanage staff pointed out the other buildings, highlighting the school we would attend, a large building with a movie theater, dance studio, and staff offices. They made it sound like fun! They also explained that children were divided into age groups, so I would be separated from my brother again. When we got into the building, my brother was led to his room on the first floor. I was led up a flight of stairs to the second level. On the left side of the hallway was a play area with a sofa, TV, and toys. It looked cozy, but very small. On the right side of the hallway was a small dining room with four tables for us to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The staff led me through the dining room and showed me the little kitchenette where they prepared our food. Just through the kitchen was the room where I would spend so many nights crying myself to sleep. It was small but quaint. I counted twelve beds in the room, six on each side. I remember them being so close together. After my little tour, the staff gave me a quick overview of the house rules. Each day I was required to make my bed, help prepare the daily meals, clear the table, and sweep the floors. 

Breakfast was around 6:30 in the morning. We had grits and sweet tea everyday. After breakfast, the teacher would braid our hair and then we would brush our teeth and begin playing. I remember cringing while brushing my teeth because all we had to use was soap. There was no toothpaste at the orphanage. Lunch consisted of borscht or beef stew and after lunch, we would lay down for a one hour nap. One of the staff members would be at the doorway, watching to make sure we were not into mischief. Dinner was always leftover food from lunch. We took one shower per week. This felt like a luxury; back with mom, I rarely ever had a shower! When mom was able to get us a shower, it was in a public facility where males and females all showered in the same area. After dinner, we would brush our teeth, wash our undies with soap and hang them to dry, and then head straight to bed. I remember most evenings lying awake in my bed because the sun was still up.

All of this was so scary to me. I never had this much structure in my life. This was all very new to me. I was used to roaming the city streets and coming and going as I pleased. I wasn’t used to having a strict schedule and people telling me what to do all day long. Even though this change was difficult, I eventually adjusted. Getting to play outside was the highlight of my day. I remember the playground fondly! We had rusty metal seesaws, tires to jump over, a small merry-go-round to get dizzy on, and rusty old swings. While I don’t remember many of the other children, I do remember Luba. She was a very sweet friend to me. Rain, sleet or snow, we were always sent outside to play, and we had the best time together.

It seems strange to me now, but boys and girls shared rooms here. Each night after the staff tucked us in, we would listen at the door to make sure they had gone to the playroom to watch TV. When the coast was clear, we would start jumping up and down on each other’s beds. We had the best pillow fights. We made it a game to see how long we could horse play before getting caught. This was always so much fun. Not so fun were the nights we had thunderstorms. Thunderstorms have always scared me. It was these nights that I missed my mom the most! I wanted so badly to snuggle up with her and have her tell me that everything would be OK. Instead, I had an orphanage staff telling me to go back to bed. I would just cry myself to sleep.

Every now and then my brother would come meet me outside of my bedroom to check on me. We would chat for a while and talk about how things were going. We talked about our friends that we played with during the day. He told me all about school and what I had to look forward to when I was old enough to attend. Other times I would go downstairs and talk with him outside of his bedroom. As time passed and we became closer with our friends, our meetings became less and less. 

I remember one morning waking up with a tooth that was just wiggling around. No adult had ever warned me that teeth would randomly start wiggling and falling out of my mouth. I panicked. I ran to the staff and asked them why my tooth was loose. She smiled and told me that this was normal, but I just couldn’t believe her. There was no way this was normal. I still chuckle when I think about this. 

 About a year had passed when I finally felt settled in. One morning a staff member came to get me after breakfast. She said that I was going to take a little test to determine the level I would begin my schooling. I was given no warning at all before the day of the test. As I walked into a small room, six sets of eyes were staring at me. I was so nervous. The test began right away; I was quizzed on colors, shapes, and sequence of events. Afterwards, I was told that if I did very well, I would be moved to another orphanage where I would receive a more challenging education. If I didn’t do all that well, I would remain where I was and attend the school on my orphanage’s campus. A whole day had passed before the staff told me that I would not be moving to another orphanage. I was pleasantly relieved. I didn’t want to leave and have to adjust to somewhere new again. I was comfortable, and I liked that.  

This was my day-to-day life. It wasn’t much, but I slowly began to grow fond of the consistency. I had never had anything like this before. At the time, I thought the orphanage would be my home until I graduated high school. I enjoyed having warm meals, playing with my friends, learning at school, and laying my head down in a soft bed at night. But that wasn’t the case. A very short time would pass before the orphanage staff would tell me that there was a family from America that wanted to adopt me. I was terrified! There was still a large part of me that thought my mom would come back for me and take me home, or that my grandparents would find a way to take care of me and my brother. But it would seem that God was working out other plans for me.

Growing up in the orphanage left me feeling empty and so lonely. I cherished the friends that I had made, but nothing could replace the void of losing mom! As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that home is so much more than four walls and a roof; a home is where your family is. It is where you’re loved. I’ve learned to cling to my husband and my children as if there is no tomorrow, because I know all too well that tomorrow is never guaranteed to be the same. I’ve learned to cherish every single small moment with my family. I now feel that peaceful habitation that Isaiah 32:18 is talking about! To say that God is amazing is an understatement! I am so very blessed. In the next segment, I’ll talk more about life at the orphanage, and focus on how I came to be adopted by Crystal and Jessey.

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19

This was all a nightmare! It couldn’t really be happening. I remember stepping off the bus, wondering what was in store for me at the orphanage. My heart was pounding; my mind racing. Would I get to see my brother? What would I do if I was separated from him too? My brother and I had been through so much together, I couldn’t imagine not having him by my side. He was my rock; my support system. My brother and I were led into the building and taken to a room that had at least six beds. We were told we would sleep here for now while we went through processing. I had never slept in my own bed before. Growing up in the apartment with my parents, my brother and I had always shared a bed. I was so nervous that for the first few nights I shared a twin bed with my brother. It was a tight squeeze, but I remember feeling safe. I was still in such disbelief that this was happening. I remember laying in bed thinking that my mom would come running through the door at any minute to take us home, but the only thing that came running that night were the tears streaming down my cheeks. 

Morning came and processing began. The staff was friendly enough; they checked our weight and height to see if our growth was on track. They asked us basic questions about our medical history. I remember mentioning to the staff that a young family member had attempted to rape me. She asked me if I would tell her what had happened. It was hard to recount the events that took place, but I remember sharing with her that it was a rainy day at my grandparents house. I was with my brother and another boy (who was a cousin or a young uncle). We were playing outside. My brother and the boy stepped away so that I couldn’t hear what they were discussing. I was able to hear my brother tell the boy that he would watch his back. The boy came over and began to take my clothes off. He held me down as he was trying to kiss me. I fought with everything that I had in me. I was so disgusted. My brother yelled out that someone was coming. The boy quickly began to pee on me; he told me to put my clothes back on and that if anyone asked what was wrong, I was to tell them that I had an accident. My dad rounded the corner, saw me crying, and asked why I had wet my pants. I couldn’t respond. He took me inside and began yelling at me. My mom just stood there and watched. I was relieved that my dad didn’t hit me; he just yelled for a while. When he finished yelling at me, my mom told me to run outside and not be seen. I remember such strong feelings of anger rising up in me as I recounted this to the nurse. I began to wonder why I still felt comfort when I was around my brother. The staff finished up our processing over the course of a week. All of our downtime at this facility was spent in our room. We weren’t allowed to have any outside play time. At the end of the week, we boarded another bus and headed to our next facility.   

I couldn’t shake the fear of not knowing what was to come. When we arrived at our next facility, I was separated from my brother. We were not allowed to see each other. He took the few belongings that he had and moved into the second floor dorms with the older children. I took my belongings and moved into the first floor dorms with children my age. I was so lonely. I think back to the many times I sat with a group of girls, crying and longing to see my mom. I missed her so much. The days went by slowly. The staff gave us chores and we were able to play outside. About three weeks had passed when two of the staff came into my room and told me that my mom had come to see me. I couldn’t believe that she had raised enough money to make such a long trip to visit. I was so excited! I was confident that she had come to take me and my brother home. I burst through the front door, but quickly paused on the steps. Standing outside was a woman with short hair that I didn’t recognize at all. The ladies at the orphanage reminded me that this was my mom. I remember telling them over and over that it wasn’t my mom. My mom had long hair down to her shoulders. This lady had hair as short as my brother’s. I stood there for a few minutes, just staring at this woman. My brother finally came running down the stairs. I can still see the excitement on his face. He ran straight to this strange woman and gave her a huge hug. As they began talking, I recognized her voice. I went over and crawled up in her lap. While I can’t recall much of what we talked about, I do remember how good it felt to be in her arms again. We ate candy and stayed outside for a while. I asked my mom if she was going to take us home. She told us no, and that the trip had been very expensive to come visit us so she didn’t know when she would be able to come back. As our visit was coming to an end, I gave my mom a huge hug and told her thank you for the candy. If I could go back in time, I’d hug her more tightly; I’d tell her that I love her and that I would do my best to see her again one day. I’d tell her that all of these things happening to us weren’t her fault and that I forgive her. I would tell her that I was beyond blessed to have her as my mom. This was the last time that I saw my mom, and I cherish this memory so much. I found out much later in life that she had worked very hard to save the money to come and visit us. There were so many other things that she could have used that money for, but she chose to come and see her kids one last time. 

After our visit, I went back upstairs to my room. My roommates were sitting in front of the TV. I shared the bag of candy that my mom had left us with them. Candy was a rare treat, so they were all so excited! That night, I got myself ready for bed. I was so upset that I wasn’t able to leave with mom. I laid my head down on my pillow and began sobbing. I missed her so much! The girl who slept in the bed next to me reassured me that everything would be OK. She was a great source of encouragement and strength. Over my time at this orphanage, we became great friends. She was the first real friend I can remember outside of my family. I was becoming comfortable. A few more weeks went by. My brother and I found out that we were being moved to yet another orphanage. I was heartbroken. Not only had I lost my mom, I now had to say goodbye to a good friend. My brother and I packed our things and headed out the front doors to the bus. As we boarded, the staff told us that we were being moved to an orphanage that we would stay in for a long time. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break, like my world was crashing down around me! All I wanted was to be back on the farm with my grandparents, milking cows and running outside. But here I was, sitting on another bus, heading towards another orphanage. 

It’s surreal to think back on this time in my life. I was so lonely and broken. The fear of the unknown was crippling at times. But as I sit here writing, staring out at the beautiful family that God has blessed me with, I’m reminded of the verse that I began with; “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19 The road to now was long, and as you’ll see in next week’s post, it came with many more struggles.

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